If you want to learn a little more about my story, my family, and my journey of healing and growth, here is a piece I wrote originally in February 2019 for Volume 7, IDENTITIES & INTERSECTIONS, of Life As Ceremony L•A•C • BiAnnual Print Journal. Check out all the amazing contributors and purchase the magazine directly here. Instagram: @life_as_ceremony. New edition out in in Spanish.
LAC•Vol7. Order here: www.lifeasceremony.net/vol-7-identities-intersections
My mom and I laughing as we attempt to relax together one day
“We are capable of blossoming and contributing to a more loving and socially just world.”
Image by Frizz Kid.
Dear little Sarah. 7 years old,
So beautiful, so many questions, such an insatiable mind, heart and spirit. Who did you think you would be when you grew up dear one? You who liked to explore, make up stories, play under the sink and in the bathtub with cozy pillows and snacks, a notebook and cucumbers over your dark brown eyes. You at 13 who planted an orchid in school, watered it and gave it so much love that it flourished. You who was diligent with your studies throughout high school and college to have options when you grew up.
What’s shaking? You know something, I truly love you. A little curious melanin poppin’ girl looking nothing like your siblings and family you love. For real, I am at awe by your tenacity, and courage and spirit.
You who could always be counted on to smile, doing your best to understand the ways adults don’t like to talk about things like the difficulties of growing up, alcoholism, conflict, issues of race, religion, gender and class. You who that one time, a friend called a doormat; oh, how that hurt.
Your smile that contained love and joy, as well as feeling afraid and alone; as you blossomed, your smile the landscape which held the quieting of your questions and imaginations which now lived within the border of your mind, journal and close friends. Wishing you had more people to talk with about growing up and seeking mentors and trusted adults because your mom wasn’t always available. All that pushing down your feelings, not fitting in, sharing partial truths out of politeness, duty, self-protection and habit couldn’t have been fun.
You were raised by a single strong resilient loving parent who didn’t have a lot of resources and struggled with alcohol in a family like others with patterns small and big of intergenerational trauma, abuse, lies, domestic violence, white body supremacy, homophobia, racism, classism, shame and addiction. All wrapped up along the joy, levity and love – these learned patterns and beliefs that are not unique to our family. The degree to which we are aware of them, and slow down to feel, the more we can heal.
All that reflection and inquiry you did, your love of self-help, counseling and Alanon, did you ever stop to notice who you were becoming my dear beautiful one? The messages you internalized, real or imagined, true or false, run deep for many people; I’m not sensing you expected to be who you are today; strong, kind, visionary, a loving leader, committed listener and people connecter. I get that this person may not seem familiar and you don’t want to be forgotten. Know you will be carried wherever I go – even once I leave this body – turning to ash, dust, stars and universe.
What is it you are whispering? Say it a little louder.
You hesitate to accept. Like you breathe, like you live, like you love and play – familiar, unfamiliar, afraid, protective, numb, energized, curious, creating, persisting.
Say it louder.
The words on the tip of your… stuck in your… wanting to come up… at the roof of your… behind your lips. You bite your lip, you squeeze your mouth shut, you feel tightness in your chest. There is no smile. You resist…. resist more… still resist.
Say it loudly.
Little Sarah whispers: “I thought I’d be broken. I believed my fullest self wouldn’t make it and I’d grow up dreaming and creating, yet never reaching the destined place or having that peaceful sense of self I imagined.”
Ah. Little one, yes, you more than anyone know how I have resisted my own leveling up over the years. What you may not know is that like the orchid you planted so long ago, I too have blossomed and have been creating a life of my design from all of my experiences. Please listen closely, beyond fear and hesitation, and your desire to protect me. Open your heart, ears and eyes to take in every word I am about to declare for you & your family:
You made it. We are on this journey together and we are beyond healed and your nervous system is calmer – you’ve had new blossoming’s. There is not a kitchen sink big enough to hide under and thank goodness because you don’t need to hide. It does not feel familiar because it is not familiar and yet it is. Close your eyes, put your hand on your chest and listen to your heartbeat: You are the one who created this future. You are the one who imagined growing up one day to be a loving content fulfilled woman with loving content fulfilled siblings, parents, children, neighbors and community. You knew it was possible. Your mother knew it was possible. Your ancestors too.
Little sweet one, who I love more than anything, I cherish and feel tenderness for you and begin to laugh when I think about your antics, peculiarities, quirks and ideas about life– I have you to thank for your persistence and imaginings. This journey started a long time ago. I acknowledge you little one and the time is now for deeper integration and acceptance of you – embodied, transformed and beautiful. May your journeys ahead be safe, supported and full. I love you child,
That’s all she wrote,
Big Sarah. 34 years old